Providence Doucet on Unsplash " /> With a background in cooking and TV (I’ve cooked for the Royal family , and worked alongside Gordon Ramsay , Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver ), feeding my child was something I thought I’d find easy. But it was nothing like I’d imagined as an idealistic new parent. It ended up becoming a daily test of courage and survival. Our child has ADHD with what I would call an anxiety profile, and they were born with a rare allergy condition called food protein-induced enterocolitis syndrome (FPIES). It’s not like the allergies you read about in pregnancy books or parenting blogs. It’s severe, silent, and terrifying. From the very start, we faced impossible choices. As a newborn, they had horrendous silent reflux, sometimes turning blue in their sleep. One professor told me there was nothing more to do, dismissing my concerns with flippant advice about ‘needing a large glass of champagne to relax’. It was crushing. When we began weaning at four months, hoping for joy and curiosity, it turned into a nightmare. By six months, vomiting could leave them unconscious, cold, and in shock. Every new food became a potential danger. We had to go back to single-ingredient weaning until we found the trigger: bean protein, which is in nearly everything. Gee Eltringham That early trauma shaped our child’s relationship with food. What began as survival became avoidance. They became a “fussy eater”, not because of preference, but because their nervous system was wired to protect them. They were learning that food could kill and every meal carried a memory of that danger and trauma. As they grew, ADHD and anxiety added another layer. The brain seeks dopamine, and often finds it in sugar, fat, salt, and carbohydrates. Patterns emerge: repeated textures, colours, or shapes are comforting. Anything unpredictable can feel unsafe. This isn’t picky eating. This is a nervous system regulation issue. The same is true for many neurodiverse children. Our child may be ‘picky’ and have preferred foods, especially when dysregulated, but for others there is a diagnosis called avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) which is being diagnosed more frequently, but is still misunderstood. ARFID is an eating disorder characterised by very limited food choices, either by volume or variety. But it’s not just about a child liking just chips, it goes as far as a specific brand of chips, cooked in a specific way, served on a specific plate, etc. The results of AFRID can be devastating, with nutritional deficiencies, weight loss and psychosocial impairment. Where the driving force of anorexia is image , ARFID is about sensory sensitivities to taste, texture and looks. It is based on fear or a complete lack of interest in food or low appetite, which often goes hand-in-hand with weak interoception seen in children with autism. It is about predictability – the same packet of crisps is always the same packet of crisps. But a strawberry one day may be hard and crunchy, big and juicy; the next it might be small, squashy, and not so red. That takes a huge amount of decoding in the brain to check if it is safe to eat. There is now an official route to diagnosis, but getting a diagnosis can be hard and time consuming, let alone treatment. The latter is a slow process too, as there is no quick fix and it often involves a multidisciplinary team of paediatricians and therapists. As a parent whose child does not eat how I imagined they would, it all comes with a level of disappointment, if I am honest, and social shame when they won’t eat this and that. There’s also a level of stress when the decision comes down to crisps for breakfast, or nothing. While I don’t have the answers to solving eating issues, I can share some of the things that have helped us: 1. A fed child is a fed child Calories first, “the socially acceptable” choices second. Whether it’s crisps for breakfast or eggs on toast, it’s better than nothing. 2. Remove pressure The job of a parent is to provide food (mainly safe foods with the opportunity to try it). The child’s job is to eat it or not. No rewards, no punishments, no coercion. 3. Predictable portions of joy Most (75-95%) of the plate should be familiar, safe foods. A small portion of something new is enough for exploration, but with no pressure. 4. Family-style meals Even if they eat separately, leaving a variety of food on the table helps them engage at their own pace. 5. Reduce cognitive load Sit in a calm environment, avoid screens, follow simple mealtime routines. Screens sometimes have to be used, but if your child is able to eat without one then it’s a good habit to get into because it stops unconscious eating (which means the learning around food is not happening). 6. Low-key praise Often when our children achieve something, like trying a new food, we lay the praise on thick. When our children are neurodiverse this adds pressure and expectation for the next time. One single, low-key, specific praise point will be enough, and remember to praise the behaviour you want to see more of, not the end results. You could say something like: “You overcame your worries about picking up that food, great job for giving it ago.” At the parental support platform I developed, twigged , we’ve even created food tasting boards to help families navigate new food tries without pressure, while reminding them that progress takes time. According to Connections In Mind , a child with neurodivergence may need 250 exposures to feel safe with trying new foods. For families navigating eating struggles such as ARFID; caregivers might want to aim for safety, removing pressure and celebrating the small wins quietly. I always recommend seeking out parental support networks like ARFID groups on Facebook, or other SEN parenting groups. Food is about fuel, connection, and learning to feel safe in your body. And above all, know this: your child’s eating challenges are not your fault. They are part of their unique profile. Gee Eltringham is a SEN psychotherapist and founder of parental support platform for ADHD, twigged. Help and support: Beat : Adult Helpline: 0808 801 0677 and Youthline: 0808 801 0711 , or email help@beateatingdisorders.org.uk (adults) fyp@beateatingdisorders.org.uk (youth support) Samaritans : Open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 Mind : Open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393 Related... 4 Reasons Girls With ADHD Are Less Likely To Receive A Diagnosis In Childhood ADHD Can Seriously Impact Kids' Sleep, But Bedtime Tweaks Can Help I'm A Therapist Who's Seeing More 'Cocooned' Kids In Clinic – It's Heartbreaking