Emotionally distant couple Expert comment provided by BACP -accredited counsellor Natasha Nyeke and BACP -accredited therapist Lisa Gates . If you’ve read, watched, or heard any relationship advice in the past few years, chances are you’ve heard of “ attachment styles ”. These are part of attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby . He thought that the way our parents interacted with us as children affects how they get close to, or drift apart from, others as adults. Broadly, these have been split into four groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. An avoidant attachment style is associated with avoiding intimacy, dismissing others, running from relationships that feel too close, and struggling with commitment issues. But it turns out that not all avoidantly attached people have “overt”, or clear, avoidance tactics. Nope – sometimes, counsellor Natasha Nyeke and therapist Lisa Gates told us, the signs of “covert” avoidance can be so hard to spot, they appear like devotion. What is “covert avoidance”? “When people think of avoidance in relationships, they often picture someone pulling away, working longer hours, drinking more, staying out late, shutting down or becoming defensive during difficult conversations. That’s overt avoidance. The distance is visible,” Nyeke said. But with covert avoidance, that gap can be a lot more subtle. Nyeke says that the person may look “present, committed, even devoted” while feeling a growing distance between themselves and their loved ones, the counsellor explained. “Covert avoidance is hidden and indirect [and] is often internalised,” Gates agreed. What are the signs of “covert avoidance”? One of the reasons it can be so hard to spot is that many of the signs are internal and almost look like extreme dedication on the outside. “The person may look present, committed, even devoted,” Nyeke said. “They might lean in harder, taking on more, over-preparing, or becoming indispensable, but underneath, in both cases, they are struggling to tolerate feelings of vulnerability, helplessness or uncertainty.” And, Gates stated, a person may replay “fearful scenarios in relationships that shift the focus away from real-life exposure and taking action,” or “use coping strategies such as rumination, dissociation, or quietly withdraw from a distressing situation.” Gates also explained,“Procrastination and cognitive distortions that delay having challenging conversations, such as wanting the ‘right time’ to occur, mean the individual does not engage in the actions they need to take.” Sometimes, they have an “fantasise about the success or failure of communicating with another person without acting on these fantasies in the real world. Other patterns are not making eye contact, or chronic worry or apprehension about something unrelated that masks the real distress.” What should I do if I notice “covert avoidance”? If this sounds like you, both of the experts say help is at hand. “At its core, this often links back to self-esteem. If someone doesn’t fully trust that who they are, without over-performing or withdrawing, is enough, vulnerability can feel risky. Avoidance becomes a way of staying safe,” Nyeke told us. “Avoidance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a protective strategy. The work in therapy is gently building the confidence that being emotionally honest doesn’t equal being rejected, and accepting that who you are is enough.” And Gates thinks that staying mindful in times of avoidance can be helpful. Thinking things like “I notice I’m avoiding talking to that person, even though I want a connection,” can make you more aware of your behaviour and help you to identify patterns. Then, she says, consider a positive first step, such as: “I’ll explore this collaboratively with a trusted friend using non-blaming communication for 10 minutes and then reassess.” Be honest about your own feelings, and try grounding techniques if you’re feeling out of control or distressed. “Therapists may use ACT, Exposure therapy or Psychodynamic methods to explore covert avoidance.” Related... The Issues Straight Men Bring Up Most In Sex Therapy 7 Issues People Who Grew Up In Big Families Bring Up Most In Therapy 4 Common Phrases Therapists Say Are Harmful To Kids