So many children and teenagers want to be “seen and heard”, said therapist Kelsey Mora ( @childlifetherapist ) in an insightful Instagram post. “And yet so often, even the most loving, well-intentioned parents and caregivers accidentally invalidate their child’s feelings with the words they use,” she noted. While it might come from a place of love; over time, repeated invalidation can shape how a child understands their emotions, as well as their relationships and sense of self. In contrast, when they feel understood, “they learn to understand themselves”, said Mora. In her social media post, the expert shared some of the phrases parents say to kids that accidentally invalidates them. From “you’re OK” to “there’s nothing to be scared of”, here’s why these phrases are impactful – and what you might like to say instead. 1. ‘You’re OK!’ Saying “you’re OK” or “you’re fine” is often a go-to response from parents to kids if they’re upset either because they’ve hurt themselves or they’re struggling with something (I’ll be the first to admit I’ve said it in the past). However Mora argued that this is invalidating because it makes children think their parents don’t believe them. Instead, she advised saying something like, “I know this is hard. You’re safe.” Other experts agree. Child therapist Tracy Wilshusen said in a TikTok video that while it’s fine to say something like “it’s okay to feel sad/angry/upset” to a child, if you were to say “it’s okay, you’re fine” when they clearly aren’t, that’s going to invalidate how they’re feeling. “Let’s say your kid is playing at the park and they fall and bump their head. If you tell them ‘it’s okay, you’re okay’ they’re thinking to themselves: ’No, that really hurt. I’m really sad, that hurt,” she said. “Then they start thinking: ‘Am I not allowed to feel sad? Am I not allowed to feel hurt?’ That’s why a lot of kids and a lot of adults repress different emotions. The biggest ones I see are anger and sadness.” If they’ve hurt themselves, you could ask: “Are you okay?” instead, or “Do you want a hug?” 2. ‘That’s not true.’ Kids will tell porkies – especially if it involves a sibling tussle or getting into trouble at school. Nobody wants to admit to being in the wrong, and that’s understandable because they’re scared to get in trouble. But instead of jumping to conclusions and saying “that’s not true” or “that’s not what happened”, Mora advised parents could try saying something like: “It sounds like we saw it differently. Tell me more.” This gentle approach encourages kids to have another go at telling the truth. If you do dismiss what’s happened as “not true”, it can leave kids thinking, “They don’t believe what I saw or experienced,” added Mora. The Child Mind Institute warns parents never to call their child a liar, which “causes more hurt and makes your child think you don’t trust them”. To avoid more lies in future, they advise letting kids know they’ll be in less trouble if they tell the truth – and it’s important parents follow through on that. 3. ‘There’s nothing to be scared of’ Sometimes kids get scared of things we, as adults, don’t find frightening – whether it’s dogs, the dark or something else entirely. But saying “there’s nothing to be scared of” to them is invalidating because – well – they are scared. That is how they’re feeling. If met with this response, kids might think, “They don’t understand my fear and I’m wrong for feeling it,” said Mora. Per Better Health , parents can help their child to deal with fear by “taking their feelings seriously, encouraging them to talk about their anxieties, telling them the facts and giving them the opportunity to confront their fears at their own pace and with your support”. And if your child does tell you they’re scared, Mora advised you could say something like, “It feels scary right now. Let’s work through it together. I’m right here”. And remember: if your child’s fears are so strong that it’s interfering with daily life, it’s important to speak to your GP, who can offer further support. Related... Teachers Are Being Treated As Therapists – And Children Are Losing Out 2 Million Children Are Unhappy At School – This Is Why I Run An Assessment Clinic – Here Are 7 Signs Of Autism To Spot In Children