The Huffington Post
My son had some pretty epic temper tantrums during his toddler years. The worst was when he was nearly two years old, and we were on a plane that was waiting in a queue on the runway for takeoff, and he was screaming and crying. It was his first time on a plane, and no matter what I tried – his LeapFrog tablet, colouring books, singing to him – he wouldn’t settle down. After several minutes of this, a flight attendant informed me that if my son didn’t stop crying , the plane would return to the gate and we’d have to deplane. Apparently, she had decided that our presence would be too disruptive for the other passengers. As my heart sank at the thought of being ejected, a woman sitting directly in front of me squeezed her hand between the seats, handed me a lollipop and said, “Give your son this, see if it helps.” I did as she suggested, and to my amazement (and profound relief), my son was suddenly peaceful and happy. Just like that, the storm had passed. A really bad tantrum can leave you feeling pretty helpless as a parent or caregiver — so the viral "Jessica" hack has been received. I’m sure more than a few parents can attest to the learning curve of navigating tantrums. Over time, we figure out what works and what doesn’t when trying to calm our child’s tearful meltdowns. (I never traveled without a lollipop again after that.) The latest parenting hack for calming tantrums (which has recently gone viral on social media ), however, has nothing to do with candy – but harnesses a similar “Hail Mary” energy. Instead, parents have resorted to calling out the name Jessica to defuse a child’s tearful meltdowns. And, shockingly, parents are finding that it works. Read on to find out more about this new technique, why it’s effective, and what experts really think about using it. What is the Jessica method? A recent Instagram reel from paediatrician Dr. Mona Amin (who goes by Pedsdoctalk on IG) breaks down the method that’s garnering so much attention right now. The reel opens with clips of young children who are in meltdown mode, until a parent begins calling out, “Jessica? Jessica? Are you there?” or “Where are you, Jessica?” And the child who moments earlier had been awash in tears suddenly stops to look around with what appears to be curiosity, bewilderment or simply because they’re puzzled by this Jessica person who is apparently somewhere right nearby. That spark of curiosity or sudden puzzlement has a great deal to do with why this technique halts the tantrum. “It’s pretty much impossible to stay in tantrum mode and enter curiosity mode at the same time,” Sheri Langston, a therapist and director at Rocky Mountain Therapy Group , told HuffPost. “As a child therapist, I challenge my clients often to try and stay mad while they’re laughing.” It’s like a reset for their little nervous systems. Sometimes all we need is a break, even just for a few seconds, to help us reregulate." Sheri Langston, a therapist and director at Rocky Mountain Therapy Group But it’s not just the introduction of curiosity that’s helping to ease the tantrum. It’s the combination of that and also the pause that curiosity causes, which gives a child’s nervous system a moment to breathe and settle down. “When having a tantrum and in a state of intense dysregulation, kids aren’t in the ‘thinking part’ of their brain,” Langston continued. “The amygdala has been activated, emotions have taken over. So, an abrupt shift, such as shouting ‘Jessica,’ disrupts the brain activity. It’s like a reset for their little nervous systems. Sometimes all we need is a break, even just for a few seconds, to help us reregulate.” Amin explains it similarly in her reel, noting that a tantrum occurs when the child’s emotional brain is steering the ship. “Big feelings, low control, stuck in a loop,” Amin said. “When you suddenly say something unexpected like ‘Hey, Jessica,’ you are creating a pattern interrupt.” Meaning, your child’s brain has to pause and sort out what’s happening. Or, as Amin added, the child’s brain goes, “Wait, what?” and that shift in attention pulls them away from the tantrum. Amin said it’s also the parent’s “calm tone” when calling for “Jessica” that helps the child’s body regulate. That calmness conveys a sense of lightness to the child and may also indicate that there is no threat at the moment to be so upset about. It’s not just “Jessica” who has this power. Of course, it’s not literally the name Jessica that brings a child’s tantrum to a pause. Parents can employ many variations of this approach. Amin has done just that with her own children. “I’ll whisper, ‘Hey, what’s that noise?’” Amin noted in the reel. “There is no noise. But it gently pulls them out of the spiral, and I’m still connecting with them.” Langston tested out a slightly different take on the Jessica technique with her son during a recent tantrum. Instead of actually yelling “Jessica,” she called out the name of an object she saw on the other side of her son’s bedroom. “He immediately paused and started looking for what I saw,” Langston said. “Then I was able to make up a song about the object to continue the distraction.” "Sometimes all we need is a break, even just for a few seconds, to help us reregulate," Langston said, and calling for "Jessica" — or another calm, curiosity-grabbing non sequitur can help. Did it completely eliminate the tantrum? No, admitted Langston. But it did defuse the intensity and length of the tantrum. After a brief pause, her son’s tantrum continued. But Langston said he had been distracted long enough to forget why he had been so upset a minute earlier. Bottom line? Whether it’s calling out a name or an object, the point is to introduce a random, neutral stimulus into the situation: “It’s not specifically the name Jessica that’s effective — it’s the novelty and neutrality of it. Any unexpected, calm, non-threatening input that doesn’t escalate the interaction can have a similar effect,” said Dr. Kelly Gonderman, clinical director and a licensed clinical psychologist with the practice We Conquer Together . Should parents really try the Jessica method? Interestingly, parenting experts have a wide range of opinions on whether the Jessica method is really something parents should turn to to address tantrums. Not all experts are fans. Dr. Jessica Scher Lisa, a licensed psychologist and founder of Empowering Minds Consulting , told HuffPost the Jessica approach is “nonsensical” and dismissive of a child’s feelings. “It may stop the behavior for a second, but it doesn’t help the child make sense of what they’re feeling or learn how to handle it,” Scher Lisa explained. “For some kids, especially those who are already overwhelmed, it can actually feel confusing.” Tantrums aren’t just behaviors to shut down, added Scher Lisa. They are a form of communication from a child, even though that communication happens to be coming out loudly and messily. If a parent is going to employ distraction in such moments, there may be more valuable ways to do so, suggested Scher Lisa. “Redirecting to a choice, shifting to a related activity, or offering something calming makes more sense to a child than a random interruption,” she said. Gonderman, however, said the approach is both valid and frequently used. “From a clinical standpoint, it’s a pattern interrupt — a technique used intentionally in therapy to break cognitive or emotional loops,” explained Gonderman. “The underlying principle is sound. For parents looking to build on this, the key is staying regulated yourself while you do it. The calmer and more matter-of-fact you are, the more effective the disruption.” Importantly, if you do decide to give the Jessica method a try, there are some nuances to how this approach should be used and an important balance to its implementation, which Amin acknowledged herself. Amin said she’s not against the Jessica method as long as parents are open to emotions and not dismissive of feelings. Additionally, parents should not be yelling threats like ‘Jessica is coming if you don’t behave.’” She adds that once the tantrum has quieted, there should be a hug or some other emotional connection with the child. “This works best when it’s playful, neutral and not scary,” she said, adding: “Bottom line, I’m okay with this, when it’s employed in a loving, in-tune home where feelings are allowed and connection follows.” Related... 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