The Huffington Post
If you’re a mother who isn’t running on fumes thanks to a prolonged state of burnout, you are doing pretty well. Burnout is a state of physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, according to Mental Health UK . It can occur after periods of long-term stress and constant pressure. New polling of 4,000 mums has revealed burnout is very much the new normal: nine in 10 mums (93%) have experienced burnout and almost six in 10 (58%) say they feel burnt out “often” or “almost always”. (A previous survey found 81% of mums had experienced it, so the issue is clearly on the rise.) It’s got to the point where some medical professionals are using the term ‘depleted motherhood syndrome’ to refer to the deep, chronic burnout many mothers are quietly living with. Many of us are working, parenting, caring for ageing parents, and trying to manage a household, on repeat, with little respite and support. The latest survey, from Peanut and baby brand Nuna , found seven in 10 mums are doing more childcare or domestic labour than their partner. The same number of mothers get fewer than five hours of unbroken sleep each night. Research suggests these two areas are connected. Sleep deprivation can leave us vulnerable to illness, obesity and even a shorter life expectancy, in addition to the mental health repercussions. It can also be dangerous, prompting accidents at work and on the road. Dr Leah Ruppanner, Professor of Sociology at the University of Melbourne and author of Drained , told HuffPost UK: “If we want to understand why nine in 10 mums are burnt out, it’s because we haven’t in any way tackled the mental load.” In her new book, Dr Ruppanner suggests there are actually eight types of mental load work. And much of this is invisible. She said: “I think that is the big problem – we haven’t actually tackled, or equalised, or provided support for the mental load. And that is actually a really serious and significant problem because it’s totally invisible and so mothers are carrying it at the expense of their health and wellbeing. And so we need to make the invisible, visible.” Sydney Latham on Unsplash " />Most mums have experienced burnout. But what can be done to help us?! Signs of maternal burnout Some stress is normal in motherhood, but there’s “a point where stress becomes unhealthy”, according to Dr Allison Venzon , a family medicine physician at Duly Health and Care. When stress becomes constant, you might find you have persistent low energy, deep fatigue that doesn’t improve with sleep (if you’re lucky enough to be getting undisrupted shut-eye), frequent headaches, changes in appetite and are getting sick more often. “Mental exhaustion, irritability, guilt, and shame are common,” Dr Venzon previously told me . “Some mums feel lonely or question whether they’re a ‘bad’ mum, while others wonder why motherhood feels harder than they expected, or notice they don’t feel like the parent they used to be.” You might also notice your behaviour and parenting changes – you snap at your child or partner over minor things, have “mum rage”, withdraw socially or appear to emotionally distance yourself from your children. What can we actually do about it? I’m sleep-deprived, I get sick all the time, I work and parent with very little time for myself outside of those roles – and it feels like this will never change. Not in the next few years, anyway. So, are we just resigned to except our fate as chronically stressed, exhausted and snappy parents?! Ultimately, experts suggest society needs to shift to help mothers – and it’s an issue that needs urgently addressing. Dr Ruppanner suggests workplaces and governments need to adapt to centre care “because mothers are being called upon to care both for their children and an ageing population”. Educational psychologist Dr Sasha Hall agrees that wider change is needed and we “cannot solve maternal burnout solely by asking mothers to become more resilient”. “We need family-friendly workplaces, affordable childcare and a cultural shift away from the assumption that mothers are the default project managers of family life,” she told HuffPost UK. “Shared parenting should mean shared responsibility, not one parent carrying the mental load while the other waits to be delegated tasks.” Of course, there are plenty of fathers who would like to play a more active role in parenting and take on a more equal share of the mental load – but, yet again, outdated systems do not support this. As Dr Ruppanner explained, these systems “make work more difficult for women and burns them out – and [makes it] difficult for men to step into caregiving without fear of consequence for their careers”. “It’s not that men don’t want to care or they’re bad men or they just want to be solely work-focused – it’s that they know there’s going to be a penalty for them that might be more severe for them than for women,” she added. Time for a mental load audit? On an individual level, there are small steps you can take to try and decompress a bit. It might be taking 15 minutes alone, eating regular meals, getting outside, or prioritising sleep. “Setting boundaries, asking for help, and sharing responsibilities can be just as important as rest,” added Dr Venzon. It’s worth acknowledging here the quest for rest isn’t always simple. Dr Hall noted that one of the difficulties mums face is that “rest no longer always means rest”. “Many mothers describe a day off being filled with life admin, household jobs, catching up on tasks and organising everyone else’s needs,” she explained. “Even recovery can become another item on the to-do list. When every moment is expected to be productive, there is very little opportunity to genuinely switch off.” It can help to recognise that chronic overwhelm is often a signal that demands have exceeded available resources. Dr Hall continued: “Mothers may benefit from lowering unrealistic expectations, accepting practical support and protecting small periods of time that are genuinely restorative rather than productive.” There’s also a mental load audit, created by Dr Ruppanner, women can take to see what they need to prioritise – and what they can drop or delegate. “It’s intended to help women get control over some of the superfluous spending [of their mental load energy] and start to get strategic, start to see their mental load energy as precious,” said the sociologist. “Mothers feel an incredible amount of guilt for taking anything from the family for themselves, even though they’re at high rates of burnout – so, how do they prioritise themselves? How do they take resources, time, money, rest, so that they can replenish?” Families, employers and governments need to support mums who are “integral to everything”, she warned, ending: “You give to the person who needs the most – and right now, it’s mums.” Help and support: Mind , open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393 . Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill). CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58 , and a webchat service . The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org . Related... 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