The Huffington Post
What Kids Are Carrying is a HuffPost UK series focusing on how the nation’s youngest generation is *really* feeling right now – and how parents and caregivers can support them. When children are unable to speak around certain people, or in certain settings, they could be struggling with selective mutism, which is often underpinned by anxiety and impacts roughly one in 140 young children. Fiona Yassin, a family psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of The Wave Clinic, said the phenomenon can present very differently depending on the context. “A child may be completely unable to speak with adults, while still managing to communicate with peers. They may speak freely and confidently at home, yet become entirely silent within a school environment,” she explained. “For some children, speech may fluctuate depending on how safe, relaxed, or pressured they feel.” For parents, it can be “deeply confusing” having a child who is expressive, creative, and articulate at home but unable to communicate verbally at school – “yet this contrast is often a key feature of selective mutism and something that is very much worth investigating and understanding further,” said the therapist. Selective mutism isn’t shyness – nor is it rudeness Selective mutism can easily be misunderstood as extreme shyness or even interpreted as stubbornness, defiance or rudeness. Parents can end up harbouring a lot of guilt or feelings of failure, as they worry they’ve somehow caused or contributed to this behaviour. And these feelings can be further compounded when other people take it as a lack of manners or rudeness on your child’s part. “In reality, selective mutism is an anxiety-based condition. It’s not wilful behaviour, defiance, or a refusal to communicate,” said Yassin. “Rather, it’s a young person experiencing extreme difficulty accessing speech and feeling able to communicate comfortably in certain situations, with particular people, or within specific environments.” Signs of selective mutism The Child Mind Institute suggests these are key features of selective mutism: Talking freely at home, but becoming completely or mostly nonverbal at school or around strangers Inability to speak to familiar adults (such as parents) in the presence of others Difficulty talking with peers in school Seeming “paralysed” in social situations Using gestures, facial expressions and nodding in place of verbal communication. There are many reasons why selective mutism may develop – from neurodivergence to attachment difficulties, emotional wounds, perfectionism, or other underlying mental health challenges. They won’t just ‘grow out of it’ As the underlying theme is anxiety, this isn’t necessarily something a child can simply “grow out of” without understanding and support. “What we tend to see is the end-result behaviour – the absence of speech – but underneath that behaviour is a series of psychological processes that are maintaining it,” said Yassin. “Much like other mental health conditions, if we focus only on changing the visible behaviour, we risk missing the deeper mechanisms that are holding the anxiety in place.” Selective mutism is almost like a coping strategy or protective response for kids – so, trying to force a child to speak can risk increasing the anxiety instead of reducing it, said the therapist. The issue can impact a child’s social relationships, educational experiences, confidence, emotional development, and the ability to form connections with others. As a result, early intervention is important. “The earlier support and understanding are introduced, the more likely it is that anxiety can be reduced before patterns become further reinforced,” said the therapist. Strong communication between home and school is crucial. Parents can share the approaches, language, and strategies that have been most helpful at home, so schools can replicate and your child “experiences greater predictability, consistency, and continuity of care across environments”. The NHS added that some children might benefit from therapy to help with the underlying anxiety. Selective mutism impacts roughly one in 140 young children – girls are more likely to be impacted. How to support children in social situations If a child is struggling to speak in social situations, parents will probably opt for the (usually well-intentioned) “Go and say hello”, “You can answer that”, “You know the answer”, or ’Don’t be silly, just speak”. But Yassin said this kind of encouragement can increase anxiety rather than reduce it. “What the child is communicating through their silence is not unwillingness, but a lack of felt safety in that particular environment or interaction. When pressure is added – even gently – the child may begin to feel observed, exposed, or expected to perform,” she explained “That sense of performance can become a significant part of what maintains the anxiety in the first place. When children become highly aware of being watched, evaluated, or socially assessed, communication can begin to feel incredibly threatening.” The key, then, she suggested is to reduce performance pressure, rather than increase it. The goal is to “help the child feel safer, calmer, and less scrutinised within social interactions”. A child might be able to tolerate social situations by sitting quietly and drawing, or choosing some music, while remaining present within the group, for example. “Looking at their drawings, sitting alongside them quietly, or appreciating what they create may allow for connection without demanding verbal performance,” she said. “Often, children with selective mutism do want connection, belonging, and interaction, but they need those experiences to feel emotionally safe and free from pressure.” Talking to family members/friends about it As parents, it can be tricky navigating social situations as you’re not sure how other adults will respond to your child. You might end up feeling caught between wanting to support your kid and wanting to ease the discomfort or confusion of others. Yassin said the aim is to allow communication and connection “to happen within the child’s world, rather than placing them under enormous pressure to immediately adapt to adult-led social environments or fast-moving group dynamics”. “Children with selective mutism often cope better when they are allowed to participate from the edges of social interaction rather than being pulled directly into the centre of attention,” she said. “Being near the game, near the conversation, or quietly present within the group can still represent meaningful engagement and social connection, even if it does not look the way others might expect.” It might help to have some pre-prepared language on hand for social situations where family members are trying to force a response from your child. Yassin recommended: “It’s okay, thank you for encouraging them. They just take a little longer to warm up in social settings.” “They’re actually really happy just being around the conversation at the moment, even if they’re not joining in verbally yet.” “They tend to communicate more once they feel comfortable and settled.” She ended: “These kinds of responses can help reduce pressure for everyone involved. They gently acknowledge the situation without shaming the child, demanding performance, or escalating attention toward the difficulty speaking.” Help and support: Mind , open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393 . Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill). CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58 , and a webchat service . The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org . Related... Therapists Are Noticing A Drastic Increase In Anxiety Among Teenagers Therapists Love The Deep Breathing Exercise That Calms Wonder Man's Anxiety Therapists Share One Of The Top Issues Children Brought Up In Clinic Last Year
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