God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good

God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good

THE HEAVENS—Praising the man-made food item as “on par with the real thing,” God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted Thursday that imitation crab tastes just as good as the living crabs that He created. “Credit where credit is due—between the pleasant taste and low cost, I definitely don’t hate this,” said the Infallible Architect […] The post God Admits Imitation Crab Tastes Just As Good appeared first on The Onion .

Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’

Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’

AMAGANSETT, NY—Saying he couldn’t wait for Bravo’s audience to meet the dynamic cast of his latest production, a shaking, wild-eyed Andy Cohen took to Instagram Live Monday to announce he had just greenlit The Real Housewives Of My Attic. “Based on the scuttling and scampering noises I hear coming from up there 24 hours a day, […] The post Wild-Eyed Andy Cohen Announces ‘The Real Housewives Of My Attic’ appeared first on The Onion .

Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again

Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again

PITTSBURGH—Acknowledging that the erotic, ultrarealistic episodes had been a frequent occurrence since the NFL season began, local resident Peter Hayward told reporters Tuesday that his vivid sex dream from the previous evening was once again about Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam. “Oh Jesus, I had another weird Steely dream—why does this keep happening?” said Hayward, […] The post Vivid Sex Dream About Steely McBeam Again appeared first on The Onion .