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'Covert Avoidance' Disguises Emotional Withdrawal As Committed Devotion

'Covert Avoidance' Disguises Emotional Withdrawal As Committed Devotion

Emotionally distant couple Expert comment provided by BACP -accredited counsellor Natasha Nyeke and BACP -accredited therapist Lisa Gates . If you’ve read, watched, or heard any relationship advice in the past few years, chances are you’ve heard of “ attachment styles ”. These are part of attachment theory, which was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby . He thought that the way our parents interacted with us as children affects how they get close to, or drift apart from, others as adults. Broadly, these have been split into four groups: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. An avoidant attachment style is associated with avoiding intimacy, dismissing others, running from relationships that feel too close, and struggling with commitment issues. But it turns out that not all avoidantly attached people have “overt”, or clear, avoidance tactics. Nope – sometimes, counsellor Natasha Nyeke and therapist Lisa Gates told us, the signs of “covert” avoidance can be so hard to spot, they appear like devotion. What is “covert avoidance”? “When people think of avoidance in relationships, they often picture someone pulling away, working longer hours, drinking more, staying out late, shutting down or becoming defensive during difficult conversations. That’s overt avoidance. The distance is visible,” Nyeke said. But with covert avoidance, that gap can be a lot more subtle. Nyeke says that the person may look “present, committed, even devoted” while feeling a growing distance between themselves and their loved ones, the counsellor explained. “Covert avoidance is hidden and indirect [and] is often internalised,” Gates agreed. What are the signs of “covert avoidance”? One of the reasons it can be so hard to spot is that many of the signs are internal and almost look like extreme dedication on the outside. “The person may look present, committed, even devoted,” Nyeke said. “They might lean in harder, taking on more, over-preparing, or becoming indispensable, but underneath, in both cases, they are struggling to tolerate feelings of vulnerability, helplessness or uncertainty.” And, Gates stated, a person may replay “fearful scenarios in relationships that shift the focus away from real-life exposure and taking action,” or “use coping strategies such as rumination, dissociation, or quietly withdraw from a distressing situation.” Gates also explained,“Procrastination and cognitive distortions that delay having challenging conversations, such as wanting the ‘right time’ to occur, mean the individual does not engage in the actions they need to take.” Sometimes, they have an “fantasise about the success or failure of communicating with another person without acting on these fantasies in the real world. Other patterns are not making eye contact, or chronic worry or apprehension about something unrelated that masks the real distress.” What should I do if I notice “covert avoidance”? If this sounds like you, both of the experts say help is at hand. “At its core, this often links back to self-esteem. If someone doesn’t fully trust that who they are, without over-performing or withdrawing, is enough, vulnerability can feel risky. Avoidance becomes a way of staying safe,” Nyeke told us. “Avoidance isn’t a character flaw; it’s a protective strategy. The work in therapy is gently building the confidence that being emotionally honest doesn’t equal being rejected, and accepting that who you are is enough.” And Gates thinks that staying mindful in times of avoidance can be helpful. Thinking things like “I notice I’m avoiding talking to that person, even though I want a connection,” can make you more aware of your behaviour and help you to identify patterns. Then, she says, consider a positive first step, such as: “I’ll explore this collaboratively with a trusted friend using non-blaming communication for 10 minutes and then reassess.” Be honest about your own feelings, and try grounding techniques if you’re feeling out of control or distressed. “Therapists may use ACT, Exposure therapy or Psychodynamic methods to explore covert avoidance.” Related... The Issues Straight Men Bring Up Most In Sex Therapy 7 Issues People Who Grew Up In Big Families Bring Up Most In Therapy 4 Common Phrases Therapists Say Are Harmful To Kids

Full force - US Central Command releases strike footage on Iranian missile facilities as conflict enters third day

Full force - US Central Command releases strike footage on Iranian missile facilities as conflict enters third day

"The US Central Command on Monday released footage showing fresh airstrikes targeting Iran’s ballistic missile facilities at an undisclosed location, as the US-Israel coordinated aerial campaign continues into its third day. The United States and Israel first launched coordinated strikes on Iran on Saturday morning, triggering a wave of retaliation. Tehran said it responded with attacks on Israeli territory and US assets across the region, with reported strikes spanning several Gulf countries. On Sunday, President Donald Trump confirmed that three US military personnel had been killed, adding that further casualties were 'likely' on the American side. Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, was also confirmed killed in a strike on Saturday. The surge in hostilities in the region follows several rounds of failed talks between US and Iranian officials in recent weeks. The date and location of the video cannot be independently verified at the time of publication. "

'They try on wheelchair and walk away' - From his own experience with disability, man restores mobility to dogs with mobility problems in Peru

'They try on wheelchair and walk away' - From his own experience with disability, man restores mobility to dogs with mobility problems in Peru

"In a small improvised workshop called ‘Colitas felices (Happy tails)’, Wilmer Mallqui transforms tubes, wheels and metal structures into an opportunity for mobility for dogs with disabilities. His work does not stem solely from technical skill, but from personal experience marked by resilience and empathy. In the footage filmed on Saturday, Mallqui is seen assisting Mayra Barreto and her pet Maggie, a pug dog with difficulty walking for whom he built a wheelchair. Mallqui, who has lived with a physical disability since childhood due to polio, knows firsthand the social barriers and rejection that many people face in public spaces. "It is a factor that prevents one from moving properly. Because society itself sometimes prevents us with [lack of] ramps on buses, sometimes in the market," he said. That experience led him to look differently at animals in a similar situation. "You start to think, if someone who can move a little, who has family support, sometimes cannot function in society, then imagine the little animals. That is when I achieved that empathy," he maintains. With that conviction, he began manufacturing adapted wheelchairs for dogs that have lost mobility due to illness or accidents. Each structure is handcrafted and adjusted according to the animal's size and needs. The result, he says, is seeing them move again with autonomy. "Of course, at first it makes you very sad to see that pets cannot move. But at the same time it gives me great satisfaction (...) to see that the dogs try on the wheelchair and walk away," he stated. In a context where inclusion remains a challenge, Mallqui's work connects the reality of people with disabilities and that of abandoned or injured animals, offering them the opportunity to improve their quality of life."