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When Do You Officially Have A 'Dead Bedroom'?

When Do You Officially Have A 'Dead Bedroom'?

Empty bed Therapists agree that there’s no such thing as a “normal” amount of sex for couples to have (though for reference, some research has found that only 26% of partners “do it” once a week). But the moderators of the Reddit forum r/DeadBedrooms say their page is designed as a “Support group for Redditors who are in a relationship with sex ten times a year or less and one or both partners are unhappy with it”. A “dead” bedroom is one in which sex is basically absent. Members of the online group talk of “ constant rejection ,” “ frustration ,” and even “ feeling like a husk of a man ”. Some couples are happy with a sexless relationship, and putting a number on the “ideal” amount of sex partners should have can be problematic. So, we thought we’d ask sex and relationship therapist and author at Passionerad , Sofie Roos, as well as sexologist Dr Massimo Fontana at Massimo , about when your bedroom is officially “dead” (and what to do about it). Do I have a “dead bedroom”? “There’s no clear cutoff for when a bedroom is dead. It’s very subjective, and based on whether you’re satisfied with the existing intimacy or not,” Roos told us. Dr Fontana seemed to agree. He shared that he’d worked with a couple who “only” had sex five times a year, but “were both incredibly happy because they had all their other values aligned (including sexual values)”. This, he felt, was not a problem at all. “The simple answer to this is when both people feel they enter into the bedroom and feel alone and don’t feel the presence of the other person,” he said. Another key sign? When a lack of sex “has reached such a severe state that any form of approach is pushed back on”. Both experts said that quality, not quantity, is the key indicator (and yes, how you feel about the amount of sex you’re having counts too). “If you feel that the sex you’re having is distant, that you’re lacking initiative, and that you miss intimacy and would want more sex in general, then it’s a sign you’re having problems and do need to talk about your sex life,” Roos told us. How can I handle a “dead bedroom”? Open, clear, and direct communication might seem tricky ― but the pros say it’s vital if you want to get over sexual dissatisfaction from one or both partners. Roos says that often, “dead bedrooms” happen for reasons outside of your boudoir. Stress, conflict, exhaustion, and poor communication can all contribute to the issue. “The best way to start rebuilding your sex life is often to sit down and talk about your situation, your needs and what you wish you could have more of, as well as why your situation is the way it is, in a non-judging and respectful way,” she said. For Dr Fontana, he shared six conversation topics he thinks couples facing a dead bedroom must “honestly” discuss: “their desires, their expectations and unmet expectations, their values, [any anger] and how you have been silencing yourself, [any] feelings of loneliness and detachment in the relationship... and masturbation and how self-pleasure is being hidden.” Try to do so “without blame and taking ownership of their individual narrative,” he stated. Whatever you do, the sexologist said you should try to avoid “leaving things until such bad ruptures happen that you then become the couple that has dissociated from the relationship. “Ultimately, the bedroom is officially dead when you have two people no longer working on the foundations that maintain a relationship, but both have a choice. So, it’s not dead until you say it’s dead.” Related... 7 'Normal' Symptoms A Doctor Says You Should Never, Ever Ignore Married Couples Are Sharing Secrets They Discovered From Their Partners The 3 Numbers A Sex Therapist Says May Bring Couples' Spark Back